hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
