Whats the glycemic index on semen?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
