I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
