normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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