I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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