OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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