My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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