I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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