Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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