Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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