new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
