Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
