I wanna bring you to show and tell
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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