You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
