I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
