I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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