OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
