I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
