In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
