Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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