I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
