TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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