how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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