I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
