I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
