Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
