May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
