Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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