who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
