Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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