OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
