she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
