I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
