Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
