Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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