i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize