Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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