i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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