my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
