I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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