my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
