A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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