I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You were trust falling into bushes
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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