So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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