non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
