if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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