If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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