I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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