Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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