so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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