why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
