I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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