He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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