ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
