you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Drunk is not a location!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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