you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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