just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
