The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I believe in your delicious
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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